Just Push Play!

I sit around a lot and think. Easy to do nowadays. I think about my life: what I was meant to do; what I wanted to do; where I should be; where I am right now. You can say my life is full of regrets.  It’s definitely been full of doubts. The hardest part of accepting the here and now is that you can’t dwell on those regrets. They tear you up inside. There’s no time machine to go back and redo those decisions. So, I’ve come to realize this is my destiny (Yoda and Vader talked so much of that pre-destined future). Where am I now?  I am in the place I’m truly meant to be (in this timeline anyways). I don’t have to like it. I just have to accept it. See the positives. That’s why I move forward and accept new challenges. Yet, I am thankful for what I do have. Although, I’m not rich, I don’t go without. Although, I’m not a CEO, I’ve had a great career. Family is priceless. In all of this soul searching recently, it dawned on me that my problem was I never had a single focus.  I never had the drive just to be a film maker—or a writer — or a great comic book artist. Instead, I dabbled in all of it. I found that I was really good at all of them.  But never great at any. This is true for my geek life. I’ve found myself trying to do too much that I never really focused on just one thing. I regret that I didn’t play more D&D in my life. I regret I didn’t build more model kits.  I regret not having a kick-ass Star Wars toy room. I wasn’t a master of any. I was a student of all. As I get older, I’m definitely becoming less interested in the things I loved when I was younger. Am I finally growing up? Being ‘one of us’ we had the special ability to enjoy our childhood pleasures well into adulthood. It wasn’t always free from ridicule or scorn. I didn’t care. I’m now looking at things in my life and saying goodbye. The toys are slowly going away. I’ve stopped buying comics (unless its omnibuses of the 80s).  I’ve started to focus on just one or two things to keep me happy. It’s a weight lifted. No more stress and anxiety (on getting that limited edition Boba Fett statue). With this new revelation, I’ve also come to realize that maybe the things I enjoyed as a child or young man, just aren’t for me anymore. Perhaps my child eyes are broken or fell victim to cataracts. I’ve not loved a Disney Star Wars movie (Rogue One excluded, maybe its the Vader scenes).  There hasn’t been a good Batman movie in 25 years (sorry folks I wasn’t a fan of the Nolan/Bale stuff). Star Trek doesn’t feel like Star Trek.  Justice League is too gritty. G.I. Joe is not a “real American Hero” or a “highly trained mission force” for that matter. Perhaps I’ve outgrown them.  No.  Perhaps, they have outgrown me? I’m that grumpy old man who sits on the porch, sentimental for the past, and resilient to change. I’ve spent too much time chasing things from my childhood, because I wanted to relive those great years. I wanted to do so much more than I did — fixing regrets —  being able to beat that dang Golden Axe arcade game or just playing spin the bottle and have it land on Sissy Parker! Time to move on. Am I giving up on all of it? Never. Because I still have them – the future can’t take any of them away — and I can relive them anytime I want —I just need to push play!  

Thanks for listening (technically reading) …

CW

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